THE ALL CLEAR

Today, I have been given the all clear on a mammogram test after finding a 'lump' in my right boob. Now I know I should be over the moon, relieved, feeling blessed etc but I'm just not! In no shape or form am I undermining the importance of the negative results or the horror of those that receive positive, It's just I feel numb! As selfish and inexplicable as it sounds theres a part of me that thinks now what, I have at least another 35yrs left on this planet and ashamedly right at this moment its not an exciting prospect!

I'm 49 turning 50 this year and I'm sat in an on site Pret A Manger, supping on a decaf skinny latte (Slimming World and trapped wind dictated) in a hospital because I don't want to go home. The sad thing is it's not even the hospital where I had my mammogram appointment, it's another I pass on my way home. I'm feeling like Tom Hanks in The Terminal, I could survive in this hospital quite easily without ever having to leave the building. It's got all facilities and services required (actually they do need to upgrade they're Internet service if I'm to stay, signals shit!) In fact I've often thought of buying some blues off of Ebay, sticking my Crocs on and hanging around the League of Friends to see if I could bag me a Dr. The only thing that puts me off is what if I were called into theatre as an emergency nurse, imagine! There'd be a tuna and cucumber brown roll (dictated by Slimming World) floating about in the abdominal cavity.

Today, is in a way the beginning of the rest of my life and I'm just not feeling it! Why not?! I know my circumstances could be better, single parent to 3 kids, all fathers #abscentfuckwits. I've a history of complicated disastrous relationships all brought on by my appalling decision making when picking men and my delusional expectations of romance which I blame on the film industry. In fact I'm thinking of taking them to the small claims court reimburse me of emotional losses, small claims only goes up to £10,000 though and they've fooked me over big time. I have no extended family to help out, what's it called 'family support' what the hell is that when it's at home?! On paper it does read abysmally (is that even a word? If not it exists on my shitty planet), but as the saying goes 'At least you've got your health'. 

My health. Now apart from being diagnosed with chronic rhinitis, chronic constipation, polyps on my womb, menorrhagia, perimenopause, bad eye sight (every orifice has it's ailment except my ears but my Mum was almost deaf by 60 hoo-rah! What?!) severe skin allergies, moderate depression, anxiety, allergy to temporary fillings, yes you read that right even my mouth blows up if a temporary filling goes in (note to self, add to orifice list). Apart from that my health is tickety-boo! As my own saying goes 'Theres always something wrong with me but it's never bloody life threatening!'. Once again at the risk of sounding ungrateful this means I have to wait for 6-9 months for treatment for anything. Except the mammogram which was arranged in under 2 weeks as it is especially important to get seen, but of course on the day I couldn't find the damned lump myself which I had been prodding and probing for 6 months prior. Sods bloody law! Apparently I have to be careful with my wording the Dr said. It's not a lump it's fat, charming, Mrs old fat tits.

This may not be the start of the rest of my exciting life but what it is,is the start of this Blog. Who knows what I may spew out but one things for sure I'll be spewing. Now I have to get to work, although I was hoping on trying out my home colonic irrigation kit provided kindly by the hospital for my constipation. It will arrive in a discreet brown package the nurse said, don't worry about that I said, I talk to everyone about my pooh problems, even the postman's up to date. Anyway, as the above states I have allot to share, get out there, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Back soon, Mave

P.S My Tinder notification just pinged. Now there's a whole other story.